Never Let Them See
by MooneRider
Summary: Nick had always prided himself on his capability to mask his emotions. But the mask comes off when he loses the only one who ever believed in him... and he wasn't even by her side when she passed. [A oneshot based off of mistermead's Judy is Dead AU on tumblr.]


**A/N: This is a oneshot written for mistermead's fantastic Judy is Dead AU. If you haven't read the comics, go read them on mistermead . tumblr . com. I highly recommend them! They seriously rival Zistopia in terms of feels… ; _ ;**

 **The only other info you should be aware of is that this oneshot takes place several years after the Nighthowler case and Nick is in his late 30s. Oh, and this isn't beta'd, so if you see any typos or other errors, please let me know! It always irks me to see those in stories, lol.**

 **On that note, please enjoy! :)**

* * *

Time stopped. Everyone in the room seemed to tense. All because of five simple words.

"I'm sorry, but… she's gone."

As soon as the badger Doctor murmured those five all too short words, only Clawhauser's silent gasp could be heard in the hospital waiting room. But no one needed to say anything. The wide stares and slacked jaws of Precinct 1 said everything already. Even Chief Bogo couldn't keep his shoulders from slumping and his heart from plummeting into his stomach. Though, he supposed, someone had to stay strong. So, he nodded gruffly to the doctor.

"Thank you."

"We tried everything Chief Bogo!" The badger suddenly said like she was confessing to a crime, "We really did-!"

But Chief Bogo only held up a hoof. "We all know you did, Doctor. I think… we just need a minute."

The badger looked as if she wanted to protest, but still she nodded uncertainly and left the room without another word.

No one wanted to break the tense silence that seemed to have a chokehold on the waiting room. Most officers were staring into space with shocked faces. Clawhauser had his paws clasped in front of his mouth, clearly holding back tears.

But the one mammal whose reaction they all dreaded the most was the one who wasn't there to hear the news.

 _The one day I insist he goes home,_ Chief Bogo grimaced, _The_ one day… _Just how badly will this-_

He shook his head. Best not to continue that train of thought. Rather, it was much better to deal with the inevitable business at hand.

"Alright," Bogo's mutter finally shattered the silence that was choking them all, "it's time to face the inevitable." He sighed. "How are we going to tell Wilde?"

The tears finally spilled from Clawhauser's eyes as he broke down into a blubbering mess of sobs.

* * *

 _Never let them see that they get to you. Never let them see that they get to you._

Nick Wilde had been repeating his motto in his head for hours as he tossed and turned on his cheap mattress.

 _Never let them see that they get to you. Never let them see that they get to you. Never let them see…_

Only he was pretty sure he had failed miserably at that.

 _Shut up,_ Nick forced his eyes shut, but he opened them again almost immediately; with how bloodshot and tired his eyes were it only hurt to close them.

 _Never let them see that they get to you._

The thing was, as soon as he opened his eyes, he realized that he was in his apartment and not with Carrots. Guilt shivered through him. He shouldn't be here. Why was he here? Why wasn't he at the hospital with Carrots, where he _should_ be?

Then the memory came flooding back.

* * *

" _Wilde. You've been here for over a week. You know Hopps would want you to go get some rest for at least one night."_

" _I'm telling you Chief, as soon as I leave, something will happen. God only knows what, but it will. What would she say to that, pray tell?"_

" _. . ."_

 _Nick looked up from the hospital bed at Bogo's silence._

" _...I don't have to answer that question," The buffalo finally spoke. "You already know."_

 _With one more look at his hospitalized partner, Nick screwed his eyes shut. Yes, he knew the answer._

 _She'd insist._

* * *

 _But would she really?_ Nick asked himself, but his grip tightened on his sheets before shaking his head.

 _There's no point in second guessing yourself, stupid. It doesn't matter anymore. Dumb fox._

With a shuddering breath, he sat up. _Never let them see that they get to you. Never let them see -_

"And I'm on tonight you know my hips don't lie - !"

"Oh Guh-!" Nick startled. His phone ringing had unexpectedly broken his repetition. After staring at it dumbly for a few moments, he took it from his nightstand.

He already knew who was calling before he saw the contact photo, of course. He had a special ringtone for just about everyone in his phone. Well, everyone important anyways.

But the photo of himself and the tubby cheetah at the front desk of the station with matching blueberry donuts still caught his attention.

Nick remembered that day. It had been Judy's turn to get donuts, and apparently Duckin' Donuts had been selling special blueberry iced donuts that week.

* * *

" _Alright Fluff, we all set?" Nick had asked as Judy opened the police car's door._

" _Uh-huh." She handed the box to him as she started the cruiser. He didn't miss the slight sly smile on her face._

 _Nick eyed the box of donuts in his lap suspiciously before he raised an eyebrow at Judy. "Should I be concerned about what's in here?"_

" _Oh, no. Course not," Judy smiled at him and scoffed away the suggestion, though her tone suggested completely otherwise._

 _Nick chuckled. "I figured."_

 _Sly bunny._

* * *

"My hips don't lie and I'm starting to feel it's right - !"

Nick shook himself out of the memory. He had been absorbed in it for so long that he nearly missed Clawhauser's call. Well that would've been embarrassing.

He cleared his throat before he answered, though. He couldn't sound like he hadn't slept all night, after all. "Hey Spots, how's it-"

"Oh… Nick! I, um, was starting to think you wouldn't pick up. Did… D-Did I wake you up, or…?"

Immediately Nick could tell something was off. Clawhauser's voice was too soft. He was stammering. He was making weird pauses. But he didn't let the growing unease in his stomach show in his tone.

"Ah no, don't worry about it; I've been up for a little while. Heh, believe me, if you had actually woken me up…"

Why wasn't he saying anything? Clawhauser would have said something by now. Something like 'oh good because I would hate to wake you up', but… nothing but dead silence. It made Nick's fur stand on end.

"Um, hey, are you okay? You sound…"

Clawhauser didn't answer right away. Instead, Nick clearly heard stifled sobs.

His heart plummeted straight to his stomach. Something got caught in his throat. _No. No, nothing happened. Not when I wasn't even there…_

Finally, the cheetah composed himself well enough to speak. "Nick… Judy's… oh my gosh I'm so sorry…!" His words were still buried in his sobs until they drowned them out.

The words registered in his mind. He tensed up. His heart raced so quickly it's a wonder it didn't stop entirely. He didn't notice he was hyperventilating.

He had lost full control of himself and was only barely aware of his surroundings. But none of that mattered.

To this day he still doesn't know what exactly happened once he heard the news. He remembers completely freezing up and his phone falling straight onto the floor. He's pretty sure it shattered, since he could feel a couple shards of glass in his paws by the time he regained his senses.

But at the time, only one thought had really captured all his willpower and attention as he sprinted out the door.

 _No. It's not true. It_ can't _be true. It. CAN'T. BE. Carrots is fine. She's_ _ **FINE!**_ _She couldn't have… Judy… couldn't have… How could she have…?!_

 _...And I wasn't even by her side when it happened._

* * *

The door to the hospital waiting room burst open without warning.

"She's fine."

"Wilde - "

"Tell me she's fine."

"I'm sorry, but - "

" _TELL ME SHE'S OKAY, DAMMIT!"_

Before anyone in the room could see how it happened, Nick had grabbed the front of Bogo's uniform.

"She's JUDY HOPPS. _THAT_ couldn't have taken her out. Nothing can take her out!"

Bogo thought his heart was steel by now. Apparently it wasn't, since it was starting to break while watching Nick's total breakdown. The fox looked so desperate for him to tell him it was alright and that nothing had happened, and it looked disturbingly out of place on the usually closed-off mammal.

He didn't want to completely break Wilde. But lying to him was not an option. And besides, at some point, he'd have to come to accept it, sad as it was.

"Hopps is gone, Wilde. I'm sorry."

If it was somehow possible, Nick's face fell even further. A tense silence once again took over the room.

"...Nick?" Fangmeyer ventured cautiously, "Are you… okay?"

"I…" The fox let go of his superior, and he stood numbly on the floor. "I wasn't even…"

 _I didn't even get to say goodbye._

Nick was too wrapped up in his emotional breakdown to notice his coworkers staring at him in total concern. None of them had ever seen the fox the slightest bit affected by anything before. He always prided himself on that too; even though he never said it, that was obvious. Now here he was, faced with the death of the only mammal who ever believed in him, and his defenses were cracking.

Bogo cleared his throat softly. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt; he was, after all, the one who told Wilde he should go home for the night. "Wilde, if I had known… I'm sorry for taking you away from her."

But Nick numbly shook his head. "No. Don't…" His voice was deathly quiet. His blank, dead stare into space just added to the uneasy atmosphere. "It's not…" But the vulpine couldn't even finish a coherent sentence as his knees quickly gave out and he collapsed onto the cold tile.

* * *

 _Never let them see that they get to you._

"Oh my God!"

"Wilde, are you alright…?"

 _Never let them see that they get to you._

"He's obviously not, Francine. Don't make him feel any worse."

"Well geez, sorry for…"

 _Never let them see that they get to you._

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh, oh my gosh…"

 _Never let them see that they…_

But Nick couldn't prevent the tears from spilling from his eyes like they had just burst a dam.

And it was there in that hospital room that Nicholas Wilde collapsed into a sobbing mess for the second time in his life.

 _Oh, you foxes. So emotional._

* * *

The funeral was very much what you'd expect for the face of Precinct 1. Mammals from the Rainforest District to Tundratown were in attendance, each and every one of them solemnly dressed in black. Several news stations had come to cover the event, including ZNN, ZOX, and MZNBC. The Hopps family took up the entire left section of seats. At the edge of the front row sat Bonnie and Stu Hopps, Nick and Chief Bogo opposite them in the right section.

At the moment Gazelle, who apparently could make even a modest black dress look gorgeous, was giving a speech. Something about how Judy had really made Zootopia the place "where anyone could be anything."

"Judy Hopps lived that mantra to the fullest," Gazelle's voice rang through Nick's lowered ears, "and she inspired others to do the same."

Nick swore that just about every mammal in the audience glanced towards him. They wanted to see if he would break.

 _Well, they won't,_ Nick decided with a barely repressed snarl. He wouldn't give them that satisfaction. They didn't _have_ to pity him.

He didn't _need_ pity.

But then Nick felt a soft paw gently grasping his own. His ears perked up the slightest bit, only out of unexpectancy, as he looked at the mammal who had taken his paw.

Bonnie Hopps was giving him a sympathetic smile. Nick could clearly see the unshed tears in her eyes.

Suddenly, everything seemed wrong. What was he doing? Shouldn't he be more upset about this? This was _Carrots' funeral_ for God's sake, and here he was staring into the bright grass and pavement not even acknowledging his surroundings.

Carrots was… gone. Forever. Why was he so accepting of this? Why wasn't he more torn up?

 _WHY?!_

"Hey," Mrs. Hopps' whisper snapped Nick out of his thoughts, "Are you going to be okay?"

 _What?_ This was her daughter's funeral. Her _own daughter's funeral._ She was watching her own child's _**service**_ , and she was worried about him. For the first time in the past week or two, Nick realized his normally lidded eyes were wide open. That really didn't help the growing void in his gut.

Deep in his heart, Nick knew Mrs. Hopps was just trying to comfort him, but he tried his best to ignore that fact. After his initial breakdown at the hospital, the last thing wanted to give in to the pity and circumstances.

After all, it was easier to ignore the total sorrow than to face it head on.

* * *

"Oh Nicholas, I'm sorry. I-... _we're_ all upset too - "

"It's alright, Mrs. Hopps. I'm fine. And seriously, it's just Nick. I've always thought Nicholas sounded too formal."

"Oh, I - "

"And you shouldn't apologize about… y'know. That's not your fault. Or anyone else's. So you don't have anything to apologize for."

Bonnie suspected that the fox, what with the downcast look he couldn't quite hide, didn't believe his own statement. There was someone he blamed, no matter how illogical it was, and she knew it wasn't her. But best not to bring it up and pour salt over an open wound.

"...O-Okay. But my… my main point was that if you ever need… someone to talk to -"

"Even though you're a fox…"

"Oh Stu, stop it. I can hear you mumbling," Bonnie quickly chided her husband before turning back to Nick, "...Nick, if you ever need someone to talk to, just… know that you're always welcome in the Hopps home."

"Heh, yeah," Stu weakly chuckled, "Whenever you want to stop by… y'know, with how close you were to Jude and all…"

Nick's ears somehow drooped even further.

"I'll be sure to remember that. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Hopps."

"Oh, Stu and Bonnie is just fine."

Nick did make a mental note of those two things. Honest.

But that didn't keep him from completely ignoring them.

* * *

Chief Bogo was not expecting to see Wilde at the bullpen this morning. You would think someone who had recently suffered a serious loss would take much more time to mourn. But it had been hardly a week since Hopps' sendoff, and yet here he was, sitting quietly and attentively in his chair despite his haggard appearance.

 _Wilde, quiet and attentive,_ Bogo shook his head; under any other circumstances this would have almost been amusing, _I never thought I'd see the day when I'd miss his sarcastic comments._

Something also seemed very off about Wilde sitting in his chair alone.

But never mind all that. There was a docket to get through.

"Alright," Bogo silenced the room, even though only the faintest murmurs had been coursing through the room, "listen up. Now we all have been mourning the loss of Officer Hopps," He glanced at Wilde, who was staring blankly at the table in front of him. Most mammals wouldn't have been able to catch him tightening his jaw, but as chief of police one learns to pay attention to subtle details. But Bogo forced himself to look away and continued, "but just because there's one less cop in the world doesn't mean crime is at a standstill. We still have a docket to go through. And so… Assignments."

* * *

 _Nick, what are you doing? Pay attention!_

 _Hopps, you have no idea how mornings are when your instincts say you should be sleeping every time you wake up._

 _I'm sick of hearing you whine about your nocturnal instincts. You get through the bullpen just fine when I wake you up._

 _Ah, see, there's the problem, Fluff. You didn't wake me up this morning; I used my alarm. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning is a lot harder when you don't have someone nagging you to get up._

 _Oh, I'm a nag now?_

 _I'm only speaking the truth, Carrots._

 _Well, if we're being brutally honest today… then you should see your fur when you first come out of your apartment every morning, Scruffy._

 _Scruffy? That's a new one._

 _What can I say? I try._

 _Yeah, you try everything._

 _. . ._

 _Nick. That was terrible._

 _I know._

 _Apologize for that right now._

 _Not a chance._

 _Oh cheese and crackers! See, now you've got ME not paying attention!_

 _That was the -_

But Nick was yanked out of his imaginary conversation when a familiar hoof came down on the table he hadn't fully realized he was staring at. It didn't register that he and Buffalo Butt were suddenly alone in the room until a second later.

"Oh," Nick looked around the now empty bullpen, "I guess that means I'm on parking duty. You know I'm pretty sure I was driving the jokemobile just 2 weeks ago, Chief -"

"I put Wolford on parking duty." Bogo interrupted gently, or at least as gently as the gruff chief of police could sound.

Nick blinked. "...Oh. Well then, what's my assignment?"

The cape buffalo sighed. "Wilde, do you really think you should be reporting in so soon?"

That was just about the last thing Nick expected to hear. He raised an eyebrow, not aware that it had been the most emotion he'd shown in days. "I'm sorry, what? Is Chief Buffalo Butt actually saying I shouldn't be working right now?" He forced a humorless chuckle, "What a _plot twist,_ ladies and gentlemammals!"

Bogo surpressed a growl. _Well. At least he's acting like himself again. If only for a moment._

"I'm only making sure you're in the right frame of mind to return to work. If I had lost my daughter-"

"What, the same daughter you keep getting on for 'having fun' with Clawhauser - ?"

" _That's beside the point._...If I had lost her… well, I'm not even sure how long I would stay away from work, but I can assure you that it would definitely be more than a week!"

But the vulpine was hardly fazed. If anything, a glint appeared in his eyes. "Do you really not get it? Carrots would _want_ me to come into work. She wouldn't want me to uproot my entire life just because she's not here anymore!"

Bogo stared incredulously at Nick. "Yes, Hopps valued hard work and perseverance, but can you honestly tell me that she'd insist on forcing you to report in if you didn't feel up to it?"

Nick bared his teeth as he unsuccessfully tried to hide a snarl. "Look. _**Someone**_ has to make the world a better place. Hopps isn't here to do it anymore. I _am._ " His gaze fell as his voice softened to just above a whisper, "She saved my life, so I'm fulfilling her dream for her in return."

When Bogo didn't respond, Nick pushed his chair away from the table. Surely there was something he could do at the station even if the chief refused to give him an assignment.

. . .

He meant what he said, he realized with a jolt. He was honest to God willing to work his tail off just to realize somebody else's dream.

But it was all worth it when that someone else was Judy Hopps.

* * *

By the end of the week, Bogo gave in and gave Wilde parking duty.

By the end of the next week, Nick was given real assignments again. He insisted on not having a partner.

By the end of the month, he could reliably wake himself up without hitting the snooze twice.

By the end of the year, he had settled into a routine.

And through it all, he didn't let a single mammal see the utter mess he was inside.

But something was different. He wasn't Judy's dumb fox anymore, but he wasn't the slick Nick he was before either. He was cold, bitter, and harsh to everyone he talked to. And even in the privacy of his apartment, his lips were stuck in a permanent scowl.

He was a bitter shell of who Nick Wilde once was. And the worst part was that he knew it.

* * *

 **A/N: Honestly I'm not too sure how I feel about this. I originally wrote this down in a notebook, but I felt like it definitely wasn't my best work. When I typed it up, however, I changed/added some things that I feel improved the oneshot overall. I hope it wasn't too melodramatic! (I have problems with doing that sometimes… XD)**

 **There may or may not be a short epilogue that follows this. It depends on if I can find something to center it on.**

 **Thank you guys so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed! :)**


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